After high school, I pretty much went straight to college. Not because I wanted too, but more like I was forced to. And in my head I had the whole idea of going to a community college, take a few classes then transfer to a university. But as time went on, and I began to think more briefly about what I was really doing. Figured that the college life is really not for me. I never really wanted to go to college in the first place, well I did just not right after high school. Though going right away, did have it’s benefits, but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I knew what my major(s) were, but was I really going towards the right path? No I wasn’t. So I ended up wasting an entire year or so, which resulted in wasting time and money. I also ended up switching my major for the third time, since I started college. And now I think I’m going in the right path, but this path is really not my choice, but more of a choice that my parent’s wanted me to choose. So I’ll stick with it, and see what happens..

I need to get my shit together.

I’ve probably been saying this for awhile now. And let’s face it, I really do need to get my shit together. I’m not on track with where I would like to be. I slacked off, partied and bullshit. And I’m not happy, not like I ever was. But that’s not the point. Right now I need to focus on me. I need to pursue my ambitions and complete my goals. So no more distractions, no more bullshit. I can do it, I just got to set my mind, and believe in myself for once in my life.

Whether it’s because of the pain and suffering or for something else. Whatever it maybe, it’s finally come down to this decision, a last resort some may call it. Though people say suicide is not the answer, and at times they’re right. Some even say, that suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem. But what if the problem isn’t temporary? Then more than likely it’s too late for any other solution. So this is for the better, and it can’t be helped. Those crys for help, all the pain bottled up inside, the misery that took control, and in the end there was no one to reach out to. Nobody that would understand. And now looking down below, at the end of the gun, or the blade in hand. Heart is racing, heavily breathing, eyes closed with tears running down. Right before taking that jump, that shot, or that cut. The last thing on the mind is the things that should be said to those that cared, loved, or even hated. But then again somethings are better off unspoken. And the only words that is left to say is, goodbye.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Especially these past few nights. It’s not because of late night thoughts or whatever. Like I go on through out my day, and then at night, I feel extremely tired, wanting to goto sleep. But the moment I lay on my bed, all snuggled up and shit, I become wide awake. And I don’t know why. Usually I can easily knock out, but now it’s like I have to force myself to sleep and I hate that. Guess I somehow developed insomnia for no apparent reason. But Maybe there is a reason…. I don’t know. I just want to sleep, but I can’t. :/

Your so called “advice”, is useless. Your “words of wisdom”, are meaningless. You’re telling me shit, I already know. You sound like a broken record, constantly on repeat. I know what I’m doing, and you’re just annoying me. Just shut up and leave me alone.

Is to just be with you, and someday make you mine.

But in the end, sometimes in the beginning, hell maybe in the middle of it, they still hurt you. Intentionally or not, they still manage to hurt you in some way or another. And sometimes, they don’t even realize that they’re part of the reason why, you’re hurting so much…